Inadequate?

 

 Tonight I am scheduled to be sharing and speaking at a youth gathering where many hungry teens are coming in search of spiritual bread. Teens from a very rough community. Teens from very broken homes, with broken lives and many scars. Every one of them has struggles, every one of them knows pain, and every one of them is desperately crying out for a different way. A better way than what their parents have known. A better way than what they see daily in their High School that includes a daycare because of the many, many teen pregnancies. A better way than the gangs , drugs, depression, and endless pursuit of fleshly fulfillment. I become weary of seeing such hopelessness. I saw it written on so many faces in Malawi. I see it here, too.

  This morning as I'm preparing my heart and mind for this, I am overwhelmed. Crying out to God, tears pouring down my face, a distressed heart exclaims, "Oh, Abba! Look at me..I am so inadequate. I don't have the words to speak. I have all these dreams, all these aspirations. I want to change the world, I want to inspire others, I want to feed the hungry and bring hope to the hopeless all over the world.  Yet all I can do is speak an empty message. At best I can entertain them with some stories and experiences that I've had in Africa last Summer. Perhaps I could touch there emotions a bit, make them laugh or maybe even cry. I can say what they want to hear, what they've heard a thousand times. I can take the easy way out and never really get into the deep, intense, real issues. That's all I can do. I simply cannot impact them in any lasting way. I can't touch their spirit, I can't convict them, I can't make them experience extravagant, all-powerful acceptance, love, grace, and purpose. I can't change anything about their lives or circumstances. I can't. I am unworthy to even be up there speaking, I don't have it all together. My life is messy, I have too many problems of my own, how can I address theirs? God.....I need you."

  Inadequate, unworthy, weak, afraid. I sit in silence and quiet my soul. A few moments pass before I hear a small voice speaking to my whole being. This is what He said, "Beloved. You are mine. I have put my words in your mouth, it is I who called you, and I who will finish the work I began. Do not worry about what you will say or do, simply abide. Meditate on my promises. I keep all my promises, every last one. Remember how I used shepards, uneducated fishermen, and small children to further my kingdom. Not because of their works, but because of my sovereignty." As my soul soaked up His words..He continued softly. "You are inadequate. And don't ever forget it. Because the second you start thinking you have it all together, that is the moment I cannot use you for my glory. I reveal myself through the humble, the broken, and the inadequate. Your mess doesn't intimidate me, I came for the messy. And always remember...I still use Davids, to defeat Goliaths."

 If you listen closely, I believe you will find He is saying the same to you today. Wherever you are, wherever you're at in life, He promises to be there with you. He has a plan and a purpose for you, right now.  You aren't at this point in life by accident. His desire is that we learn to trust, abide, and surrender where He has you, because His perfect timing is now. You don't have to have it all together, you don't have to try to clean up your mess before you come to Him, you don't have to speak eloquently to make a difference, you don't have to be strong or fearless. You don't even have to feel adequate. Because we're not. But He is.

Making It Count

 Imagine a long, trailing rope. Going on and on and on in length for miles and miles. Now imagine a tiny part, the very beginning of it, covered in red.

The rope represents eternity. The red section represents our time on earth. For some people it's a few short years, for others it may be 80 or even 90. In perspective, it is only a blink. A breath.

Your eyes did see my substance, being yet unformed; and in your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. Psalm 136:16

It is what we do during our limited time here, in the red, that counts. The choices we make. The words we say. The smiles we smile. The hugs we give. The diapers we change. The poor we feed. The dying we bless. The broken that we lead to Jesus' feet. The meals we make. The children we encourage. The least of these that we serve. Yes, it is in the repetitve, daily menial tasks that we can choose to redeem the blessing of this moment into a beautiful offering of sacrifice to our Savior.

When we offer our lives, our bodies, our moments, our days, He skillfully designs a masterpiece that echos into eternity. Lives touched as we abide, worship, serve and love that rings with a resounding chorus of glory and honor to God.

God moves through us. Jesus' hands are our hands. He touches the lost through our touch. His voice is our voice, He speaks to the hurting and broken through our voices. He acts when we respond to His Spirit. He chooses to restrain His outpour until we surrender our agenda, trading it for His. I ache when I think of the opportunites I've wasted, yet am filled with hope when I remember that my God is a God of second chances, third chances, and inumerable chances. He doesn't dwell on my past failures, and He also commands me not to.

"Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past" (Isaiah 43:18).

Isaiah 44:22 "I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud, and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."

So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

 Welcome to Abundant Chisomo. Chisomo..meaning grace, in the Chichewa language, the mother tongue of the Malawians whom I so dearly love. Why this title? You could sum up my life in that one word. The Abundant Grace that my Savior has lavished on me. That Chichewa word represents a lot, 6 weeks of my life in Africa. 6 weeks full of learning, struggles, challenges, growing, compassion, joy, desperation, peace, sleepless nights, exhausting days, encounters with God, singing, preaching, sharing, encouraging, being encouraged, giving, laughter, smiles, and tears. Happy tears. Desperate tears. Tears spilling over from a heart overwhelmed by poverty, hunger, hopelessness, and the reality of evil and tragedy that saturates the Dark Continent of Africa.

 I am the second oldest of the 12 children in my family. I have wonderful, godly parents who have been leaders by example, showing me the long and narrow way, and raising me to always choose God's way. By most standards, before I left on this trip, my spiritual life was in a pretty healthy condition. But God doesn't like for us to adhere to such standards. Not when He has so much more to offer.

 Because of what I saw, and because of what I experienced, I will never be the same. The perimeters of my comfort zone were shattered, leaving me no choice but to step out and face what was beyond the confinement of  my 'own little comfortable world'. To see that this life isn't about me after all. I got to spend 6 weeks in remote villages, living among those who have no voice. I looked into the eyes of young children, men and women of all ages, and was torn to pieces by the amount of hopelessness and emptiness they expressed in one glance, one gaze. Yes, it was utter poverty that I've always heard about but never been exposed to personally. But it's not just lack of food, clean water, shelter, or medicine. It goes so much deeper than that. It is a lack of purpose, love, and hope. A lack of Jesus.  In a country clothed in spiritual darkness, I was able to be used as a candle, while the Holy Spirit lit up the inner lives of so many. Driving out at least some of the darkness, and replacing it with steady, glowing light.


I'm back in the States now, and the struggles here are just as real. I still battle now more than ever with my fleshly desire for ease, comfort, safety and pleasure. There are many days when I ache for that intimacy and communion with God that I experienced in Africa. Oneness that is so much more attainable without all the distractions and obstacles that are so present in America. Some days are broken, chaotic, imperfect and messy. Which doesn't seem to intimidate God. That's where the Abundant Grace comes in.  He specializes in dealing with the messy.

   I'm inviting you to come on a journey with me. A journey of searching, discovering, and experiencing the depths of God's Abundant Chisomo. A journey of  seeking, abiding, denying ourselves, and making Christ the center and focus. A glimpse into the  life of an imperfect teen girl whose only boast is in the Lord and His grace. Abundant, relentless, grace.